You may remember Susan from the time she discovered, much to her dismay, that she could not build an entire wardrobe around the life she imagined she might someday live. We’re sorry to report that Susan is once again experiencing a wardrobe-related crisis. This time, pants are involved.

For those just joining us, the following is a completely fictional news report. Any resemblance to actual people is purely coincidental. Unless, of course, you’ve ever Googled “are skinny jeans back,” panic-bought wide-leg pants because someone told you your old ones were dated, or stared at a rack of jeans wondering which silhouette you’re currently supposed to be wearing.

In that case, you may find Susan Parker’s story disturbingly familiar.

BROOKLYN, NY — Local woman Susan Parker was reportedly left confused, agitated and without clear sartorial direction Tuesday after discovering that nearly every style of pants is currently available for purchase.

Parker, 53, had spent the better part of the last several years dutifully replacing her skinny jeans with straight-leg and wide-leg styles after being repeatedly informed by fashion publications, retailers and women on Instagram under the age of 30 that skinny jeans were dead.

Friends say Parker had initially resisted the transition but eventually accepted that her pants were no longer socially viable.

“She fought it for a while,” said longtime friend Jennifer Walsh. “There was a period where she kept insisting that skinny jeans were the only pants that worked with her ankle boots. We tried to be patient.”

Eventually, according to those close to her, Parker did the work.

She bought the wide-leg jeans. She had several pairs hemmed. She purchased different shoes. She learned about something called a “puddle pant.” At one point, witnesses say, she voluntarily tried on a barrel-leg jean.

“We were really proud of her,” Walsh said. “She had come so far.”

Then, earlier this week, Parker encountered an article suggesting skinny jeans may be coming back.

Family members say she has not been the same since.

“I did what they asked,” Parker told reporters from her kitchen table, where she had reportedly been staring at her phone for approximately 40 minutes. “I bought the wide-leg jeans. I figured out what shoes to wear with them. I even stopped complaining that they made me look three inches shorter. And now you’re telling me skinny jeans are coming back?”

Her husband, David, said he first realized something was wrong Tuesday morning when Parker emerged from the bedroom carrying three pairs of pants and asking whether any of them made her look “current.”

“I said they all looked fine,” David recalled. “Apparently that was not the correct answer.”

Parker’s condition worsened later that morning when she went online in search of definitive information and discovered that retailers were simultaneously selling skinny, straight, wide-leg, bootcut, flare, barrel, horseshoe and cigarette pants in low-, mid- and high-rise options.

“At first I assumed one of them had to be wrong,” Parker said. “So I kept scrolling.”

She then discovered cropped pants.

“I don’t want to even talk about it.”

Sources say Parker subsequently attempted to determine which silhouette had officially replaced the others but was unable to establish a clear hierarchy.

“There were high-rise wide legs next to low-rise wide legs,” she said. “Then I found mid-rise straight legs. Then bootcuts. BOOTCUTS. I already lived through bootcuts. I thought we had settled this.”

According to Walsh, Parker texted their group chat shortly before noon asking, “WHAT PANTS ARE WE WEARING?” followed three minutes later by, “SERIOUSLY I NEED AN ANSWER.”

“I told her I mostly wear straight-leg jeans,” Walsh said.

Another friend said she preferred wide legs.

A third said she had never stopped wearing skinny jeans.

“That was when Susan left the group chat,” Walsh said.

Fashion experts confirmed that Parker’s confusion is increasingly common among consumers who came of age during an era when pants trends operated in a relatively orderly fashion: one silhouette arrived, everyone declared it hideous, younger people started wearing it anyway, retailers stopped selling anything else, everyone eventually surrendered, and several years later the pants they had been forced to buy were declared humiliating.

For decades, the system worked with remarkable efficiency.

Consumers understood their role.

Fashion issued instructions. Women complained. Women complied. Fashion issued new instructions.

But that once-stable social contract appears to have collapsed.

Low-rise jeans have returned despite high-rise jeans never actually leaving. Wide-leg pants remain popular. Barrel legs continue to occupy significant retail real estate. Bootcuts and flares are readily available. Straight legs appear firmly entrenched. And skinny jeans, after spending several years officially deceased, are reportedly “coming back,” despite investigators being unable to establish that they ever actually went anywhere.

For Parker, the implications have been devastating.

“Yesterday only one rise of jeans existed,” she said quietly. “Do you know what happened?”

Reporters indicated that they did not.

“It let me choose.”

Parker paused.

“Low. Mid. High. All three.”

When asked why having more options was distressing, Parker appeared momentarily confused by the question.

“Because which one am I supposed to buy?”

Retail analysts explained that Parker could simply select the rise and silhouette she likes best.

Parker rejected this suggestion immediately.

“No.”

Friends say they are trying to support her while also encouraging her to accept that she may now be responsible for determining which pants she actually likes.

“We’ve explained that this could be a good thing,” Walsh said. “Susan spent most of 2003 complaining that low-rise jeans showed her underwear every time she sat down. You’d think she’d be happy to learn she doesn’t have to wear them this time.”

Parker remains unconvinced.

“Then why are they back?” she demanded. “What am I supposed to do with that information?”

At one point, reporters gently suggested that a trend could perhaps be viewed as information rather than an instruction.

Parker stared at them.

“What the hell does that mean?”

“I think she just wants someone to tell her what pants to wear,” David said. “Last night she asked me what I thought about barrel jeans.”

He paused.

“I’ve learned not to answer questions like that.”

At press time, Parker was reportedly sitting alone on her bed surrounded by 11 pairs of pants while reading an article titled “Are Wide-Leg Jeans Over?”

She had opened it immediately after finishing an article titled “Why Wide-Leg Jeans Aren’t Going Anywhere.”

Neither provided the clarity she was seeking.

“I don’t understand,” Parker said. “Which ones am I supposed to hate?”

She then refreshed her browser.

Unfortunately for Parker, the answer may now be entirely up to her.

If you or someone you love is experiencing symptoms similar to Susan’s, including compulsively searching “are skinny jeans back,” asking strangers on the internet whether your pants are still acceptable, or experiencing acute distress after encountering a 22-year-old in low-rise jeans, help is available.

Close the browser. Step away from the trend report. Put on the pants you like.

You are going to be okay.